The world I live in

And I hope to be back more often than not. The joelamrit blog has ceased. What remains is this one. And this one’s going to be filled with Joel, Leah, work, non-work, personal, spiritual and don’t know what else kind of posts :)   Feels good to write freely as the thought flows. Well! in my head the thoughts don’t have many backspace or delete buttons being hit.   Cursor blinks here…   Time to get on with work. Shall post in later   I love this space :)

Trying to blog after a very long time. Hope this works.

Thanks to the rating process I've now found as much as I tried to live my life without God it just ain't possible to do so. Rediscovering that I do still believe in Him. Rating process first discussion happened this morning. It was bland since there was no answer to the question about on what count was I given the lowest rating. So discussion has been deferred to coming Monday. Didn't go for my swimming classes today. Got a poky pain in my neck and left shoulder. I've just taken it easy and haven't done much at all. Planning to go pick up a sandwich on my way home. Leah is full of 'ghee gees' and smiles today. Can't sulk much when she's around. And my sense of humor's coming back too. Mmmmuah Leah! :)

It's 3 days since I learnt that I've been rated as below average by my dear boss. It's a nasty shock. Would love to say more here about how I feel and what I think of the boss man. But not going to do so. Instead I'm going to concentrate on the good that's been happening in my life. It's 10 days since I've started learning how to swim. Today's got me so exhausted that I could barely move my feet. With a little rest and Leah's entertainment, felt good enough to get dressed and come to My Favorite CyberCafe to check on mails and of course post this. At 3:05 pm today, Leah finally was able to turn on to her tummy without anyone's help. I guess all the coaching and encouragement from Kala and Dad helped her. Now that she knows that she can turn, she keeps trying to do so whenever she's awake. No more placing her alone on beds anymore.

Well I'm not a water babe. I love the water but haven't learnt to swim till I signed up for the swimming classes last week. Since then I've learnt to bubble when under water, hold my breath and become a mushroom (weird thing to call the posture), float on water with head in water and now trying to learn to propel myself forward using my hands and feet. Coach Vidya also is trying to get us get over our fear for deep waters by making us straight jump into 10 feet water and come up by cycling (I call it kicking because I do seem to kick more than cycle) and try to stay afloat. Fear of water is slowly going away. I guess I'll be really happy when I've actually learnt to swim without breaks and increased stamina considerably to become an amateur swimmer. In the meantime, if I lose inches waist below and lose all those extra kgs I've accumulated over a period of 5 years, all the better. Noticed that I sleep better now. Don't mind the tan. Got a cream to take care ...

Been busy at home. It's school for Joel, groceries, provisions, bills to be paid...etc.etc on most weekdays. Rest of the time I don't know what to do with myself. Hence become a member at a local library. Came across a writer who studied in Mangalore and is nuts when it comes to writing. Reading his book 'The Revised Kama Sutra'. Check out his blog ( http://richardcrasta.blogspot.com/ ) when possible. Have already told the library to get complete sequels of fantasy fiction books. Can you believe they have part 2 of a book and not 1 and 3 in a triology? That gets me real mad. They haven't even purchased Brisingr (3rd books Christopher Paolini's dragon story). Trying to gather my courage and finally join up swimming classes at the local pool here. Don't know where I'm going to find a swim suit that's going to fit me. Most of the time I've seen suit sizes about 10 times smaller than I am. Sheesh! I didn't know skinny was in again! V day went on ...

Happy Birthday Joel. Glad that he liked the cake and the candle routine. For his 5th birthday, I sure hope to make it something to look out for. All these years of low key celebrations will be pushed aside. Leah can wait her turn when she turns 5 too. Until then, it's going to be years of patience and sacrifice - read that as the kids and my patience being tested and me making a whole bunch of sacrifices. Now to head to the store and grab a bag of chocolates to send to school on Monday. :)

It's a bit odd that I remember these lyrics (sometimes love just ain't enough) from a song right now. But I just had to get them out of my head. Some things are meant to be. Sometimes they aren't!

Leah's fine. She's discovered she's got a voice she can use to attract attention and screeeeech. If she continues this today, heading to the doc. Cause i think it's colic. Joel's fine. Competes for my attention when I've got to feed Leah. And last night was hell. One screeching, the other wailing and crying for his grand dad (my dad). I'm not a great mom. I've lost my patience. I've lost my sense of humor. I've lost everything inside me that used to make me want to make others happy. I've turned into a mean, rude, wanting to be alone, b****. Just haven't reached the stage where i'll be using a lot of ugly language yet.

Been away for such a long time. And now when I'm finally sitting at this comp, my mind's gone blank. Starting with what comes to my mind first. Leah :) Giving birth to Leah in Nov was a total surprise. Had prepared myself for another son. Leah was a cute little surprise. Never thought that life could be any more interesting with a baby. It is with her. She's 3 months old now and can recognise the folks around her. I realised that this morning since she kept staring at dad and didn't smile at him. Not even once. But the moment she saw me, her face lit up. Oh well! here comes another baby who's going to cling to me till she knows she can happily be on her own with confidence. Until then, lots of hand holding to do. She loves watching Joel. And got to start blogging about this baby girl once I get my net connection at home. In the meanwhile, Amrith left to Abu Dhabi in Dec. He got just 20 days with Leah. So much for trying to live together as a family. Moved into our f...

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

Finally into the last month of this pregnancy. I’m glad that this period is coming to an end. Frequency of visits to doc have increased to almost once a week.   On Sat, had an NST done. That seems normal. Doc also felt that baby’s now no more in a breech position. I’m glad.   Birthdays happening in plenty now at office. Rithesh celebrated his during last week of Sept. Below is team MER without Thanu in it.     Coming up next is VB’s birthday, then mine and then Girish. With that a whole cycle of MER birthdays get over. At home, it’s just mine and mom’s left. And of course, now this little one’s too. A few more birthdays among friends – BV, Cereen, AK, Nikhil. Will have to check orkut and facebook for the rest. Not great at remembering everyone’s birthdays.   Vivek will be in town during the last week of Oct and then again in Dec during Christmas time :).  

Looks like I’m never going to have a single sane day till delivery time. Each day there’s something new brought into my thought process. I’m just wondering what’s in store for me next. Just after wondering I don’t really want to know either.   If it’s not an attitude, then it’s a behaviour. If it’s not behaviour, it’s a job loss. If it’s not job loss, it’s a decision that may alter the rest of my life.   I don’t know what I should or should not be doing. I want out. I’ve had enough. NEED A MAGICAL HUG!  

  Deep caught me on camera the other day while I was enjoying my icecream cone at work.   Waiting eagerly for Nov 2008. As per last visit to Dr. Malathi, due date is now 18 th Nov. I’m optimistic that this time I won’t have a C-section :)    

Yesterday was hell. I hope it never repeats again. Started off ok but the more I got into my day I hated it. By night I was too exhausted and drained emotionally and mentally. To add to it was a cold and cough to ensure I didn’t get much sleep either.   High points of yesterday: A user confirming my Advanced Help Desk request with a positive and encouraging comment. Attending Iftaar party in office with Anitha and Deepthi. Picked up 2 packets of chicken biryani for home. Being able to complete a few tasks at work which were long pending including sorting through the books selected for library during exhibition time.   Low points of yesterday: Pushing myself beyond limits at home and still getting to hear about ‘it’ Joel and his crankiness Sis and her attitude No time to get in touch with myself and unwind peacefully Rotten stupid idiotic thoughts   Not sure how I’m going to get through today. I feel totally crushed and squeezed on the in...

Been thinking about whether I should give up the one I love most or not. Haven’t decided yet. Not an easy decision to make. How did I reach this stage? I’m tired of being plagued by these crazy, irritating, bugging and stupid thoughts that just jump out of nowhere and steal my peace.   On the pregnancy front, met doc last evening. She’s asked me to get my ultrasound done sooner than later i.e. by 30 th September. A physician check too ordered after Monday’s bout of 2 hours of feeling faint and out of sorts. The weather sucks. The heat’s making me feel more miserable. My back aches more often than not. I’m one kg less than what I weighed finally when I was carrying Joel. The thought of putting on any more scares me more than anything else. This baby’s definitely a boy going by the way it’s been kicking and trying to play football inside. The bright side of this visit was that the doc said I’m due on 18 th instead of 20 th N...

I’m so happy to find this: http://mediaconverter.org . Will work on converting all the .3gp video clippings I have of Joel and a few instances. Prob is that I don’t know where to store the converted files. Home comp needs to be upgraded. Got to reminder Narendra to send me the blessed quotes for the comp with different configurations. Personal loan was closed during the beginning of Sept. So that’s about 2.5k saved a month. Can direct that fund into paying off home loan or making the amount grow bit faster. I’m more for the second option Got to talk to Colaco and find out what strategy to follow. If all goes well, within a month after delivery, I guess Amrith and I will finally move into the flat. Hoping that Amrith’s final interview in Bangalore works out. If it does, then I guess life should be a little less of a financial struggle but a whole lot more juggling on the home front. At work, although I have no issues with anyone I just feel like I should be doing more. The prob is th...

Mangalore's been a place where clashes based on religion were minimum. Looks like no more. Hired goons have got a lot of political backing. Frequency of negative incidents is increasing. It's a group of goons trying to show their power and might saying they are doing it for the universal good of their fellow religion brethren.   The Oct incident a few years back started off with cow slaughter. Before that because of one guy from one religion teased a girl from another religion. This time it's conversions. The goons are claiming they did it. The folks in charge are turning a blind eye on their activities. What got me real bad was that the cops who were supposed to be protecting people damaged property and went to the extent of assaulting ladies.   I'm tired of the muck and dirt and filth. I'd like to do something constructive and get that crap out of here. Only I'm clueless.  

In a span of 4 hours (3:00 AM to 7:00 AM), I’ve had 3 weird and kind of scary dreams this morning.   Dream 1 : BV is in Mangalore. And we’re taking a local bus ride to I don’t know where. I can see the bus approaching Ladyhill stop. And I know that I’ll have to get off at that stop. I have my helmet in hand. BV will continue onward. He’s telling me about some person from Kashmir coming down to Mangalore for treatment of cancer or something serious like that which I can’t recollect correctly right now. I was wondering about 2 things: 1. Why am I holding my helmet if I’m in a bus. Vaguely remember that I think I parked my vehicle in Fr. Mullers Hospital parking lot. 2. Why should a person from Kashmir come to Mangalore when there are so many other hospitals better equipped to deal with his disease. Is he Mangalorean or something happening in Mangalore that I’m unaware of?   Dream 2 : This one has a serial killer in it. ...

Last Sat was time to see my baby again. This time’s scan showed the baby’s heart besides face, hands, feet and body.   This is how I feel right now -  alive and looking forward to life. BV thank you.