Saturday, December 31, 2016

Guilt and resentment

I may not be the happiest mother right now because I believe I don't spend enough time with my children. I resent being a working mom, not a working woman. No a woman can't have it all unless she has some help.

As I vented out to an ex-principal of a kindergarten school, she gave me a better perspective. One which made me realise that though I was working I still was a part of my children's lives and I wasn't as disconnected from them as I thought.

The guilt and resentment is now just a quiet discontentment. Someday I will be able to look back on this period with a much better perspective. Until then happy to see my children growing up in little ways into better human beings.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Should all aquaintance be forgot...

Listening to Susan Boyle sing tonight. I listened to her sing 'I dreamed a dream' on a Youtube clipping a very long time ago. Apart from her throwing the judges and audience into a loop, I didn't think much beyond the phrase 'Don't judge a book by its cover'.

Why I listen to her tonight is because of a session I attended at work about Creative Confidence which is about what stops us from speaking up and how to get over those barriers.

The same clipping was played during the session and a brief about her life was shared. That got me curious to read about her. But more than that it was her voice I wanted to listen to again. I'm glad I downloaded her songs.

Her rendition of Auld Lang Syne got me thinking of my life this year. 2016 has not been an easy year. The year began and almost ended the same way. Hospitals, doctors, tests, reports, juggling expectations from office and home and mostly from myself.

Grateful to God for all that He showed me about me. I hit my lowest at the start of the year. But the ending is not a low, yet.

Friends have come and gone and some have reappeared for a good measure. Relationships have gained new meaning. Some broken for good. Some renewed as if there was no time gap. New ones are slowly budding.

I'm learning a new skill - cooking. Hoping that becomes a good skill sooner than later.

My learnings this year:
- Friends , the real good ones, are rare. Cherish them. Don't let go of those gems.
- Children are what marriages give. They seem to be the only good side. The rest? I'll keep that learning off this place.
- Health is important. Self first before you tackle or ty support anyone else's issues.
- Still sticking to not taking crap from anyone.
- Learn one new thing every year and practice it till you are so comfortable doing it wih your eyes closed.
- Hugs can make one's day. Give them and accept them without reservations.

Auld Lang Syne - though I don't know the meaning of the phrase, the song seems to fit my mood.

Goodbye 2016. 2017 be kind.

Wednesday, December 07, 2016

Life and Death

Death stops life. Life cannot stop death. They cannot exist without the other.

I suppose all one can do is make a life worthy to be remembered after death. If a life has made an impact, it will be remembered beyond death. Else both are so shallow, meaningless.

Monday, October 31, 2016

The same hospital scene

You enter a hospital to admit a loved one. You head to the admission counter. Sometimes if you are lucky enough it's a slow day and you get the total attention. On most days, there's a rush or the counter is terribly under staffed and you wait for more than an hour at the counter.

The only reason you may get a bit of attention is if the staff notices that there's a test scheduled by time specified by the doctor which they hadn't noticed before. You got to love the actions and reactions post that little attention to detail. The no. of apologies and apologetic looks sent in your direction, after that mistaken oversight, remind you of those little innocent pups or kittens that you are almost convinced you are looking at the animal and not the person.

In all this, you notice that you haven't raised your voice or expressed your displeasure at all. Don't you feel amazed at what you've let yourself get used to?

In their rush, you add a bit of a detail they may have forgotten to ask or even consider - medical insurance. And goodness, the looks of horror that get added to the previous demeanor! You get whisked quickly to the insurance counter which again is in a similar situation as the admission counter.

Finally, you feel like you've achieved the impossible prize when they say the room is allocated to you.

What follows is the needles and pins and cries and pain that have you raving internally at the nurses if you hate causing scenes. You have this voice in your head that is screaming at them to show professionalism along with kindness towards the ones who cannot stand the sight of needles, forget that life saving instrument entering their skin.

Sometimes, you get blessed with angels who know how to deal with such kind of patients. Otherwise you are the one who has to hold down that arm or leg or head or neck and offer it up like a sacrifice. You turn in to enemy no. 1 in the mind of your loved one. I wouldn't like to imagine what treatment they would have meted out to you in their head for holding them down for that pin prick.

Rooms could be as you imagined or perhaps not! It takes a little while to get used to that little place which you would be residing in for at least 24 hours. As it is hospitals don't hold much of a happy energy about them. So now you are part of that very energy, contributing to it, whether you like it or not. You either ignore the uneasy feeling or scream in your head that you would rather be at the beach soaking in the sun with feet dipped in water.

Nurses ... oh wow! Some I think are monsters sent to test your mettle. Some seem to hold  Dolores Umbridge as their role model. Some are those little minions who are cute or scary depending on your view of them.

In all, you are admitting yourself for an experience you aren't going to forget. You might forget what you did on your holidays but not the hospital.

My best wishes if you ever have to get you or your loved one admitted for any procedure.

Tuesday, August 09, 2016

But what of the women and children?

How I wish the current government carried out campaigns and brought meaning to existing laws to safe guard women and children in this country.

So far I've seen, days, animals and religion get priority.

Is there any political organization willing to take this up?

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Another 'enlightened' moment

Quoted from various people, thoughts of wisdom and little one or two liner nuggets keep appearing and reminding me of the blessings I have. Also that when I say goodbye to bad rubbish, there's a board that goes up in the junkyard which says 'No fishing'.

Relieved in ways that I haven't fished.

If you have to kick a habit, a thing or a person out because you are getting pulled down, say goodbye to that very thing or person. You don't deserve to live a life of misery or guilt or depression or anxiety or stress. You have a life ahead of you to live on your terms and in the way you want. Be good to yourself and to others. But no taking crap.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Badoo

Received an invite from a friend to Badoo -  a friendship and dating site.

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Monday, April 25, 2016

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

Why is communication so difficult when it comes to relationships? There is no lack of coaches, guides and material. Yet, it is one of the main issues for personal relationships fall apart.

Monday, April 04, 2016

Day 1 of family membership to office gym

After an hour in water, relearning how to swim, my 7 yo had a very interesting observation to state after she stepped out of the pool, "Mom, the water is so heavy".

Thursday, March 31, 2016

What fate lies in store

Never have I been so out of sorts to view my payslip. My bank hasn't sms'd me about the amount credited.

I hope I don't have to face another struggle to get my dues.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The hunt is on

For an ideal location in the heart of Goa for 2 families to vacation. Now in that blessed hunt, who knew the information available out there is in plenty. Heard of OYO Rooms. This afternoon was told of AirBnB. Then again internet searches have the oft used sites of MakeMyTrip and TripAdvisor giving with plenty of suggestions along with Yatra and Cleartrip and more of those sort.

Then came HostelBookers and Homestays.in. Now wishing I was single again. Hostels are to be checked out with best friends.

By the way, any suggestions of places actually visited?

Happy

There are angels in disguises. And then there are invisible angels. Most of the time angels we know are around us but we just don't see them.

Thank you to the angel who found my ATM card and submitted to the local authority. Although not much cash is associated with that card, the fact that you found it but didn't keep it speaks volumes about you. God bless you whoever you are and where ever you may be.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Where'd all the good people go?

Saved the cute little girl from walking into oncoming traffic this afternoon. All her mom could do is just frown her daughter without switching off her cellphone.

Getting out of my shocked state and trying to handle the anger building up inside.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

Though the lyrics of this song aren't my sentiments echoing, the tune does fit my mood.

Hoping the stuck record in my head moves to other all male voices harmonies.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Article I read

Just read. Don't want to lose this piece. Hence capturing here: http://www.mensxp.com/relationships/better-partner/29863-the-real-reason-why-indian-men-suck-at-dating.html

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Dream mixer coming to life

They just don't go away. Dreams last night were a total mix:
- Dad making some cutting remark as usual
- Trying to escape a sudden flood caused by rain. Was thankful that I was confident this time about swimming. Bad part was I think I screwed my phone and was left with no way to communicate
- One more that I fail to recollect at this time. Most probably as disconnected from the previous two and makes sense in itself.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Does it really?

Time heals all things. I've read this as often enough as I've heard it.

I think one just forgets or adapts.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The temple visit

Been to Subrahmanya today. First time visit to a proper dedicated temple. Couldn't help but compare the devotion displayed at the temple and at churches I've been to.

Many questions in my mind. Hope to find answers to the same some day.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Show me the way

My 7 yo was handed the 2 wheeler keys and asked to pick me up from office. Her instant response: ' I don't know the way to mom's office'.

Well, she also doesn't know to ride a 2 wheeler either :-)

Dreams

21 feb, 2016. 3:35 AM. Dream. Too many people in the Udupi house. Acha still there. Dont know abt Ajit and Amrith. Dont see Joel and Leah in dream either. Relatives and their relatives and dont know who else are there in the house. Remember seeing some old people and foreigners - ladies in specific, in their late 40's or 50's. Dark brown/blonde hair. Plain face. Dont know why I am in Udupi.

I start asking them to leave. Pushing them out. Screaming at them. No fear. They start increasing and  spreading all over the place.

Too much noise chaos and in the name of checking, too much damage caused to security, and cables and home things. Too much property destroyed.

I remember too late to call the police. Even then telephone line is not working. Every time i try calling I hear Mathew uncle voice. Vanitha the maid tells me its out of order when she had tried using it in the past.

There are still some stragglers in the house. It's evening and a few old men with Acha. Dont know what they are discussing. Acha not happy. One person with Acha is tall, old, lean - a slightly taller version of ibrahim kutty uncle. 

Woke up with a mix of fear and worry.

Is this similar to the snake dream the night before my wedding? A sign of things to come?

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

The 'king' has landed

I dislike him so much. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to be in the same place or room as him. Today he's home. He reached by morning flight. Picked him up and drove back. Not a single word said or uttered. I don't know how I will get along in the next few days. Angry. Annoyed. Frustrated. Hurt. Disappointed.

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

The journey, sometimes

Found this while browsing through Facebook posts.

Monday, February 01, 2016

Another day

The urge to be reckless is so strong. Knowing the consequences of doing so is what holds me back.

Should I just give in?

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Addicted!

To talking!

Especially when stressed beyond tolerance.

Blessings in disguise

When it hits you, it hits you, all at one time and in some cases one after another. This seems to be the case with almost everyone I am in touch with. If this is what it means to be an adult, a grown up responsible human being, I think I'll work in social services in my next life. And definitely no marriage, no kids. Perhaps the coward's way out is what I am thinking of. For now, I tackle the multiple issues that have just fallen in my lap without restraint.

P.S. : Thank you so much God  for the angels to help in the form of family and friends.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

12 years

Looking back I should have not turned my back on the dream that I had the night before the big day. It was a warning and I didn't heed it.

A person walking in front of an oncoming vehicle repeatedly and getting hit. A snake that never let me rest. It didn't make sense then.

Now, it speaks volumes. Perhaps the future would negate that warning and I will dream a better dream, someday, a dream of better and more good things to come.

Until then, I face reality. And face it I will.

Dear God, I don't know what the next second holds. Just don't let go of my hand.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Relationships

What makes relationships work?

Need? Dependency? Trust? Incompleteness? Desire? Circumstances?

What works at one point doesn't work forever. People change.

Got to have a stable relationship with oneself before even thinking of venturing into a relationship with another.

One of those days!

When low, eat plenty of chocolates and pastries or food you like. Apart from the unhealthy side effects, food never lets you down.

That's the very basic side of me giving into gluttony.

The good side says 'don't give in'.

Too late. Those purple covered Quality Street Mackintosh chocolates are history.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Tea time discussion

"I don't want to become like Barbie and put it down".

(It being weight / tummy size.)

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Good, The Bad

There is God who holds me in the palm of His hand.

And I've been reminded that prayer can move mountains.

So tempted to be selfish.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Coward

I can't handle the expectations or the emotions. I don't want the responsibilities nor the attachments.

I am one.

Friday, January 08, 2016

Dreams

When exhausted or stressed, dreams are an outlet, perhaps. Or a way to express. Or a warning (?).

In less than 2 hours, I've undergone close to death experience when trying to learn about content writing. I was successful in the learning but accidents, which can happen anytime, were what made me miserable and made me uneasy.

I've woken up to a cool January afternoon. My nephew's hand constantly touches me while he sleeps beside me seeking reassurance.

I am happy that I am no longer in pain. Can dreams connect people? Or are mine a sign of things to come?