The world I live in

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

Finally into the last month of this pregnancy. I’m glad that this period is coming to an end. Frequency of visits to doc have increased to almost once a week.   On Sat, had an NST done. That seems normal. Doc also felt that baby’s now no more in a breech position. I’m glad.   Birthdays happening in plenty now at office. Rithesh celebrated his during last week of Sept. Below is team MER without Thanu in it.     Coming up next is VB’s birthday, then mine and then Girish. With that a whole cycle of MER birthdays get over. At home, it’s just mine and mom’s left. And of course, now this little one’s too. A few more birthdays among friends – BV, Cereen, AK, Nikhil. Will have to check orkut and facebook for the rest. Not great at remembering everyone’s birthdays.   Vivek will be in town during the last week of Oct and then again in Dec during Christmas time :).  

Looks like I’m never going to have a single sane day till delivery time. Each day there’s something new brought into my thought process. I’m just wondering what’s in store for me next. Just after wondering I don’t really want to know either.   If it’s not an attitude, then it’s a behaviour. If it’s not behaviour, it’s a job loss. If it’s not job loss, it’s a decision that may alter the rest of my life.   I don’t know what I should or should not be doing. I want out. I’ve had enough. NEED A MAGICAL HUG!  

  Deep caught me on camera the other day while I was enjoying my icecream cone at work.   Waiting eagerly for Nov 2008. As per last visit to Dr. Malathi, due date is now 18 th Nov. I’m optimistic that this time I won’t have a C-section :)    

Yesterday was hell. I hope it never repeats again. Started off ok but the more I got into my day I hated it. By night I was too exhausted and drained emotionally and mentally. To add to it was a cold and cough to ensure I didn’t get much sleep either.   High points of yesterday: A user confirming my Advanced Help Desk request with a positive and encouraging comment. Attending Iftaar party in office with Anitha and Deepthi. Picked up 2 packets of chicken biryani for home. Being able to complete a few tasks at work which were long pending including sorting through the books selected for library during exhibition time.   Low points of yesterday: Pushing myself beyond limits at home and still getting to hear about ‘it’ Joel and his crankiness Sis and her attitude No time to get in touch with myself and unwind peacefully Rotten stupid idiotic thoughts   Not sure how I’m going to get through today. I feel totally crushed and squeezed on the in...

Been thinking about whether I should give up the one I love most or not. Haven’t decided yet. Not an easy decision to make. How did I reach this stage? I’m tired of being plagued by these crazy, irritating, bugging and stupid thoughts that just jump out of nowhere and steal my peace.   On the pregnancy front, met doc last evening. She’s asked me to get my ultrasound done sooner than later i.e. by 30 th September. A physician check too ordered after Monday’s bout of 2 hours of feeling faint and out of sorts. The weather sucks. The heat’s making me feel more miserable. My back aches more often than not. I’m one kg less than what I weighed finally when I was carrying Joel. The thought of putting on any more scares me more than anything else. This baby’s definitely a boy going by the way it’s been kicking and trying to play football inside. The bright side of this visit was that the doc said I’m due on 18 th instead of 20 th N...

I’m so happy to find this: http://mediaconverter.org . Will work on converting all the .3gp video clippings I have of Joel and a few instances. Prob is that I don’t know where to store the converted files. Home comp needs to be upgraded. Got to reminder Narendra to send me the blessed quotes for the comp with different configurations. Personal loan was closed during the beginning of Sept. So that’s about 2.5k saved a month. Can direct that fund into paying off home loan or making the amount grow bit faster. I’m more for the second option Got to talk to Colaco and find out what strategy to follow. If all goes well, within a month after delivery, I guess Amrith and I will finally move into the flat. Hoping that Amrith’s final interview in Bangalore works out. If it does, then I guess life should be a little less of a financial struggle but a whole lot more juggling on the home front. At work, although I have no issues with anyone I just feel like I should be doing more. The prob is th...

Mangalore's been a place where clashes based on religion were minimum. Looks like no more. Hired goons have got a lot of political backing. Frequency of negative incidents is increasing. It's a group of goons trying to show their power and might saying they are doing it for the universal good of their fellow religion brethren.   The Oct incident a few years back started off with cow slaughter. Before that because of one guy from one religion teased a girl from another religion. This time it's conversions. The goons are claiming they did it. The folks in charge are turning a blind eye on their activities. What got me real bad was that the cops who were supposed to be protecting people damaged property and went to the extent of assaulting ladies.   I'm tired of the muck and dirt and filth. I'd like to do something constructive and get that crap out of here. Only I'm clueless.  

In a span of 4 hours (3:00 AM to 7:00 AM), I’ve had 3 weird and kind of scary dreams this morning.   Dream 1 : BV is in Mangalore. And we’re taking a local bus ride to I don’t know where. I can see the bus approaching Ladyhill stop. And I know that I’ll have to get off at that stop. I have my helmet in hand. BV will continue onward. He’s telling me about some person from Kashmir coming down to Mangalore for treatment of cancer or something serious like that which I can’t recollect correctly right now. I was wondering about 2 things: 1. Why am I holding my helmet if I’m in a bus. Vaguely remember that I think I parked my vehicle in Fr. Mullers Hospital parking lot. 2. Why should a person from Kashmir come to Mangalore when there are so many other hospitals better equipped to deal with his disease. Is he Mangalorean or something happening in Mangalore that I’m unaware of?   Dream 2 : This one has a serial killer in it. ...

Last Sat was time to see my baby again. This time’s scan showed the baby’s heart besides face, hands, feet and body.   This is how I feel right now -  alive and looking forward to life. BV thank you.  

Dear Baby no. 2. I hope you feel the joy I feel ever since I came to know you are in me. It’s only that circumstances around me do not make me go easy on myself at times. So if you ever feel negative vibes, it’s me who needs a wake up call. Please don’t ever think I don’t love you. I do. A lot.   Pregnancy now is something I’ve got used to. But stepping on weighing scales still scares me. I don’t want to put on 25 kgs by delivery time like I did during my first pregnancy. Currently I’m satisfied with my weight gain. Baby’s begun kicking alright. Sometimes I think it’s trying to do the ballet. Other times it’s ‘balle balle’.   Sangi will be home by next weekend. It’s a definite goodbye from her to Infy BPO. And then it’s all studies once more in good old St. Agnes College. I wonder how she’s going to face having restrictions placed on her again. The nuns there always seem to have...

Last evening was a time I hope never repeats ever again for me or for anyone.   I had to meet Anitha had Empire Mall. We were planning to buy a gift for Deepthi from Eden. Wanted to beat the rains as well as meet Anitha at 6:30 PM as we’d decided. So I started from office just after 6 pm.   Approaching the Urwa Stores junction, too many vehicles around. So slowed down a bit. Was getting annoyed at the pedestrians who chose that point to cross roads.   One man just ran across my path when there was a Maruti Van to my left. Was just getting over my instant annoyance when a little boy immediately followed suit. Braked but not sufficiently in time to avoid an impact with the kid. I almost flew off my seat and bumped stomach first into the handle bar section of my bike. The kid was sprawled on the road. I was worried that he was badly hurt or bruised. Was about to get off my bike.   The kid just got up, smiled and ran away.   For a few min...

It’s been a long break from blogs. There’ve been many things happening alright. Just that I don’t feel like blogging about them all. Here’s what I do want to remember.   Pregnancy : So far all’s well. The tiredness doesn’t seem to go away much. I’m usually nursing a cold. Transitions from one month to another have been a little more pleasant this time round thanks to Babycentre.com. Blood sugar tests done on fasting show that I don’t have diabetes. My baby’s scan report too shows that all’s well. Last visit to the doc was about 2 months from previous visit. Not good. This time got a tetanus shot, given a change in medication and advised to do the Triple Marker test. Report of this test will be available on approaching Friday. In the meanwhile, keeping my senses on full alert to feel this baby’s movement.   Work : The month of May started with a visit to vendors in Bangalore. Couldn’t visit all of...

Gearing up for another rotten mood day, I was in for 2 pleasant surprises. 1. My colleagues - Anitha and Deepthi - were so concerned that I was on a diet and not taking care of myself. Their concern really touched. And no, I'm not on a diet. I'm just tired and exhausted and drained for reasons I came to know thanks to a babycentre.co.uk mailer. Mood swings and exhaustion are part of this phase of my pregnancy. I'm glad that nothing is 'wrong' with me. 2. Jeethy turned up at the library and helped me get a lot of books rearranged and shelved. A thoughtful gesture from her end also included getting me a box of salted raw mangoes and mango pickle. Yummy! :)

This morning I woke up around 6:00 AM to switch off my alarm. Couldn't think of getting out of bed even though Joel was awake next to me. So stayed in bed and drifted off again. During that time I had a weird dream. I could see my school, the teachers, students playing in the grounds, the classrooms and a lot of faces from that time. I entered each class just to see whom I could recognise. The faces were younger. So many people and most of whom I tried smiling at or tried talking to. But they looked through me or past me. I realised that I was my grown up self. So that could be a reason. But then, I couldn't see myself in that crowd. Tried finding out the date of that particular day. The closest I got was 05-05. But one of the students said it was 5th April. The year wasn't clear. In and out of this dream, I saw the younger versions of some of my colleagues from work. They responded to me when I spoke to them. A few of my relatives too showed up and I was excited about show...

Dr. Malathi asked to me get some tests done. Got the results last evening. Everything's fine and normal. I'm breathing with a huge sigh of relief. Now it's just the weight thing that worries me. Though exhaustion hasn't gone away. Noticed that I'm fine from the time I wake up till around 10:00 AM. After that it's a see-saw of moods and energy levels. Both haven't been high at any point of time. I'm prone to cry more easily now. Keep having unpredictable mood swings. 2 incidents that still shake me up: 1. The evening I thought Joel had an electric shock. Turned out to be my dad switching off the mains and the house being plunged into darkness. I was resting at that time and all I had heard was a crack and then Joel crying in the darkness. Was so relieved to know that nothing happened to him. 2. Amrith telling me he had a ear bleed. The idiot used a fork to clean out his ear wax. Sometimes I think that everyone's out to make sure I don't rest or sl...

I'm pregnant again. Came to know about it on 14th March, the day after Joel's Annual School Day. It took about that whole evening and night for the realisation to sink in. With this realisation, came the understanding of why I was feeling exhausted by the end of a day, and why I had headaches so frequently. First person to know this time was BV. Then  Sangi. Then called Amrith and told him. Broke the news to my parents next morning and later on to Vivek. Over the past few days have informed a few colleagues at work and most of my friends. Of all reactions I received when breaking the news of this pregnancy, I liked Sangi's the best. My two worries this time are weight and sugar. Have decided that this time I'm not going to be a lazy mom. Since I'm staying with dad and mom, I'm using this opportunity to walk every night around the house. Feeling good about it. I'm going veggie again as I did with Joel. And, this time I have a whole bunch of cravings and wi...

Long hair or short hair, never ever use Dabur's Vatika shampoo. It leaves your hair rough and your scalp starts begging for mercy when you try untangling the knots. Switched to Sunsilk last evening. It's making my head feel good and my scalp is breathing fine.

Thanks to AJB and BV, 2 pals of mine who now seem a constant in my life. You guys rock!

ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! ANNOYED! Go suck on a rotting bone!

Venue for the band was Food Court (FC) 2. Could hear a few songs on my walk to the FC. Jitters again. I reached there in time to hear the introduction to judges as well as know the judging criteria. Attitude on stage was one of them. Now how does one do that while playing a keyboard? Oh well! I'd leave that to fellow band members. We were no. 6 in the list and each performance before ours made me think I shouldn't go up there. YANTRA (Yet Another Night To Rock Away) performing I was right. I messed up the first song's scale. After that, I went into this auto pilot mode and just played. It didn't sound the way I wanted it to. But hey! it's not for lack of trying to get the blessed organisers to give us a slot to practice which wasn't after midnight or trying to practice with no sound. One of the lead singers was low. And it's because me his song got messed up. How does one explain that and the fact that not a single other band member made it to the sound che...

What's up? - In my case, I have a roof over my head. The stock market index doesn't seem to come up beyond a certain point and what does one expect to be up? I do have a wicked thought here but no, I'm not jotting that down . What are you wearing today? - Not sure what the intent or the point of the question is. It's usually asked by a person who hasn't met the other and uses the cell/net as a mode of communication minus the webcam. And it's usually asked by the guy, not the girl!

First reaction was panic when I came to know we'd be travelling by the Volvo to Mysore. No amount of pleading helped to let me take a non-Volvo bus to Mysore. Besides this inital bad start, I looked forward to playing Throwball. A week before travelling to Mysore had me practicing throwball on the courts in the evenings and getting roped into being a part of the Music band and Mad-Ads group. Before leaving Mangalore Campus On the bus The journey to Mysore was as I thought it might be. The bus that was to pick us up arrived late. Slight headache due to the closed space. Threw up during the journey. Plus a road block just to make sure we were truly the last team to arrive on the Infy Mysore campus. Dinner was wasn't great. After which, went to the room and gave my roomie (Jyothsna Patro) a head start to using the amenities in the room. 11:00 PM at the Reception Block, Infosys Campus, Mysore The Ladies of the team Next day had me groaning because I didn't want to wake up...

Won the throwball event. Participated almost full time on courts for basketball. Backup for the lady player for the Team A in Volley. Nice to be on winning teams for a change. Got selected for Samavesh. And that was a big surprise since I thought there were better players this time. With the end of Synergy came the Red Devils team party. Did something really stupid. Accepted a bottoms-up challenge of drinking rum on a nearly empty stomach. Had to endure head spinning for about an hour and half. Never again. But I had fun :)