The world I live in

My days are much better now. I don't feel the boiling madness within. Nor do I feel like tearing apart the world and people. Acha though is not much better. His second operation stays cancelled till date. Though, each time he seems to be heading in the other direction, the doctor prepares all of us for the operation. Last night, he's been passing motions too frequently. His urea levels are coming down. He's been talking non-sense to Joe. And seems forgetful. On the bright side, the Novena to Our Lady just before her birthday will begin once more from tomorrow. This year, Joel is old enough to understand that he has to strew flowers for her. I hope to catch him on camera trying to do this. Since at work, I've cooled down considerably, I've also begun surfing and checking out all the URL's that keep getting advertised or flaunted in my face. I'm glad to discover that my favorite store Fabindia is an online presence. And I'm going to be saving up to buy a f...

By Friday evening, I simmered down to the extent that I could joke about my 'angry woman' face. Had decided not to do anything or talk to anyone about it. But just let it be and do what I was expected to do. Then look at my situation again and see if it still needed to 'fixed'. I looked forward to the longish weekend (since Monday is an off for 'Thiru Onam') of doing nothing but reading, watching a little TV, talking to Acha and generally doing nothing important. By the time Amrith, Joel and I reached home at Udupi, we were greeted with a locked door with lights on inside. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Tried contacting Kala. Her phone was at home. Finally got through to Joe and came to know that: Acha had been passing urine and stools without his knowledge had turned pretty weak, with his legs buckling every time he tried to stand straight. he'd been taken to Hi Tech hospital. We rushed there to see him alright but something definitely seemed out of place...

I'm trying to work off this negative energy that doesn't seem to be going anywhere but just staying within. Came to know from Mom that I'd been screaming in my sleep. There seems no constructive way to let go of this anger. I can't remember being this frustrated and angry before. Eaten up inside and can't do anything about it.

This is something I'm sure most of us never stop doing. In my case, I think too much. Or that's what most of the folks I've spoken to tell me. Been thinking about: - How do we (Amrith & I) manage Acha after Joe leaves - Should I throw a party for Joel's birthday or not - How do I tackle that ESOP loan - How do I rearrange next to nil finances to pay the interest on that loan - What would I do if I had the money to get out of the rut I'm in - Can I fire my boss? - Which is the best way to give vent to all this negative emotion within me - Chucking the diet and just doing exactly as I please - Changing jobs - What am I best suited for - .... more that can't be typed down here. A person once likened me to a calm sea. It looks like very calm. But underneath, there's a lot of churning and bubbling and motion.

Thanuja's snaps have long evaded my grasp. Here's the most recent one. We celebrated her birthday a few days late. Some idiot at the office switched off the fridge in which we'd stored her Mocha Birthday Cake. Come Monday and the thing stinks rotted. Had to order for the cake once more. VSN (short for Suryanarayana V) is my new boss (since Dec 2006). Don't have much of a rapport with him currently. Not sure if I want to build one up with him either. Ashwini was the last addition to the group. Very quiet lady most of the time.

Had gone to the food court with Usha about an hour ago. Just back and the questions that are revolving in my mind are: Who am I? From whom or where do I come from? To whom or where am I going to? Do I have a choice or not? On my way to the food court again. It's Thanu's birthday today. And she's treating the department folks. :)

Had been to Udupi on Tue evening. Amrith picked us up from Suratkal. Drove to the hospital and just waited near the ICU. For sure we (Joel and I) weren't going to be allowed into the unit. Came to know of Dr. Raja who gives the medical profession a bad name. Till then had just heard that he existed. Now I knew he demanded money and then treated his patients. Way to go Mr. Neuro Surgeon. Slap those people real hard that they don't come to you again. What does one do about such doctors? Write about them? Ask NDTV or CNN IBN to do a 'live scoop' on them? Give them bad publicity? Hold the hospital management responsible? Heck! Becoz of his ego, one of his own hospital's employees died and the blame is now put on Dr. C who's treating Acha. We are independent. aren't we!! On Wed evening Amrith dropped Joel and me at Haleangadi. Met Naomi for the first time after her wedding and her sons Jonah and Noah for the first time. Also met Aunt Emy, Deepa, Navin and Evita. ...

Just got word from Amrith that Acha's operation's over. Yippee!

Since I'd taken an off from work on Friday, 10th August, 2007, I was able to do justice to going between Manipal and Urwa for 3 whole days. Friday morning drove to the hospital along with dad, mom and Joel. I stayed back at the hospital till evening after sending Joel with dad & mom back to Urwa. That night reached home around 10 pm Saturday was spent in buying rations for home in Udupi and a few hours at the hospital. With the Big Bazaar having a discount sale going on from 11th to 15th August, the Udupi joint that had recently opened up is packed from afternoon onwards. Thanks to Amrith, we managed to get a few more things for the house. Reached hom at 9 pm. Sunday, had to pick up Ajit from the airport. His flight - Air Deccan was delayed by about an hour. We drove to Udupi and then to the hospital after he had a meal and freshened up. That night decided to stay back in Udupi since Acha's operation had been scheduled on the following day. While driving back with Amrith, J...

He's not been well for a while now. Last Monday (30th July) had to rush to Kerala with Amrith to talk him into returning home. When we reached there, we discovered that he was in no state to be talked to. He was lying down without able to speak much or move at all. Was scared that he was on his death bed. That night he was hospitalized. By Wednesday, the doctor informed us that there's been a bleeding in his brain and that we could move him to Manipal via ambulance. He was stable enough to be shifted. And so we started back to Manipal on Wednesday night, close to 12 midnight. Thur morning saw us in Manipal and Acha definitely feeling better. He was trying to talk his way out of getting admitted to KMC, Manipal. He gave Amrith a hard time. In the meanwhile, I took the luggage home and had a refreshing bath. Returning back to the hospital showed how much Acha had improved. His mind was working great but not his body. So he lost a bet with me and had to agree to stay in the hospit...

A week away from work for totally unexpected reasons. That's what it was. I got to read a few books to kill time and journey: 1. The Seven Minutes by Irwing Wallace 2. The Marriage Market by Nisha Minhas The week's been totally exhausting emotionally and physically. With Acha falling ill and a book exhibition at work. Both ends things haven't worked fine. One book vendor didn't show up. Acha was not a condition fit to be spoken to. It's been a crazy time and I'm hoping that better days happen soon.

If you've read any of Nisha's books, this one too ain't much different from the rest. Till date, I've read 2 of her books: 1. Saris & Sins 2. Passions & Poppadoms. It's always a setting between a North Indian family (Sikhs) settled abroad - England as far as the 3 books I've read.There's always a struggle between the older generation, current generation and the culture shock, culture mix - leading to confusion and sorting out. Her writing style isn't enticing or great but yeah there's plenty of laughs. Though sometimes there's also some enlightenment about certain practices and traditions. And it's always about the current generation Indian girl facing a dilemna about what to do and how to do it right when there's plenty of wrong doing or guilt. The books would make time-pass movies if directed well. A few did reminds me of some Bollywood movies and movies like Bend it like Beckham (I hope I spelt his name right). In this book is ...