The world I live in

Had a series of bad dreams last night that continued till this morning. Friends parting ways, death approaching, fears  suffocating. Why do we have these dreams to rattle us up? Happy Monday to you! 

When you realise you are in an 'Oh shit' situation, your biases, values, options are so much more clear. You also are clear about your support ecosystem. 

Here I was thinking I suck at handling multiple roles thrust on me. I shouldn't 'crib'. That it was 'going to be ok' and everything would 'be better'. The kind of (non) support from KA made me believe that I'm never going to get it right. But when the same is thrust on that person, the reactions are almost the same as mine, only they are voiced out, loudly. And it's hardly 3 months into handling a few things solo. There are various ways I could help. I choose not to.   I was flawed anyway.

The struggle is real. Even if the feelings arise from made up situations or overthinking. If they could be stopped with a snap of fingers, wouldn't that be something!

Forget 3 AM friends, even 11 PM friends are hard to find

That it wouldn't work out between you and me is clear now. It was a lovely interlude though. And I'm grateful for it.

Her father wasn't around for most of her life. And now when she's faced with the reality of having him around all the time, she's not too keen. Her small world doesn't have much room for him. 

Sometimes the head starts working waaay after the heart does. Bummer!

The kind of friends you can call up at 3 AM and they'd answer and listen with no judgement, or pull you out of the funk that you can't shake off, or give you that whack so that you see straight and so much more... Do you have one? I don't!

Days and nights when I don't dream are good days. Today wasn't a good one. Had a dream that ruined my sleep and left with a residue of annoyance and leading me towards despair. The dream had teenage J behaving like bratty kid. He had to open the back to door to enter the car but instead jumps into the backseat through the window. In the process his feet hit a man in white with a red and white checkered head scarf.  The man asks J to apologise. The brat diesn't. So he takes J's shoes and cuts through them. I see J scream out as if it affects his mental state and I can't do anything to stop that whole thing from playing out. That's when I woke up.

What the fuck is therapy!

They exist. Sometimes they do what they're supposed to, sometimes they're too far away and sometimes, they suck! The frustration leading to annoyance and anger when it sucks, is what one has to deal with. Like a 'sane, mature' individual. Because anything else affects the other folks who you support.  Shitty deal!

Leaking humans.. funny isnt it to see some colorless liquid fill the eyes till they cant hold them in anymore. They spill out. Reasons known or unknown.

No one is given an operating manual on parenting. Sure there are books that guide, provide insight, have stories, talk about different styles etc. But nope, no manual.  Bad behaviour from child? Bad parent Child who is difficult to mold or teach? Bad parent Child suicide? Bad parent Child -anything the world judges or sees as not conforming? Bad parent And in a place like India, it's usually bad mom. Because mothers are primary caregivers and nurturers.  So what happened to the other parental role and grandparents and relatives who also influenced the child's behaviour? What happened to the educational institutions that seem more bothered about their upkeep of reputation rather than actual investment in educating children?  What all is just one person or 2 people supposed to do when it comes to their child? They try their best to do right by their offspring. But yeah, bad parent!

6 dogs in the house. How cool is that! A short trip to Hyderabad sprung up recently. It involved visiting relatives who were ill, not due to Covid thankfully.  One of them had given home to 6 stray dogs. And they were lovely creatures to meet. Pluto who loves massages, Michelle with tired kind eyes, Rosie the tough girl and boss mom of Jack who was a regular young pup, Awesome the shy model and Naughty with the constant shocked face. Unsure whether Naughty's state was from his recovery of being hit by a moving vehicle.  For a few moments, it felt good, happy even with these pets. 

Tubelight moment : I'm never going to be someome's first thought..

Feeling restless and suffocated when I look at social networking sites. I've just finished one exercise of 'un-friending' around 40 people on FB.The urge to disconnect from more is so strong that I might just quit the app.  What's the easiest way to take a backup of all the stuff posted on FB and then just say goodbye to it? 

Another dream. This time a wedding or should I say re-wedding to someone not known.  Place has got some ancient practices in rooms for the brude's prep. Bride is me. Unsure what is going on. A simple thing like having a bath is some long complicated procedure. A part of family , dad, Deep, Kev and Nav present. Omlette has an appearance towards the end and he's on his cell asking for another chance. I think he was talking to mom and she was telling him it was too late.

It's suffocating. It's panic inducing. It's downright scary.  Wjy? I don't know. Even in a dream it was. The dream had me stuck in  showerstall. And no way to get out. No one helping me get out.  Green and yellow tiles. Shower water too hardly coming through.  The showers were after a ssim in a pool just to wash off chemicals and sand(?). Joe from office too was there in it. He was in the next stall and he didnt hear me or if he did, he didnt respond.  Waking up with one's heart pounding and almost screaming.. i hate scary dreams.

Odd one this early morning Dreamed that I found a few of my belongings scattered on the sand. They weren't in the place I usually keep them. It hurt to see that. Woke up with the feeling.