The world I live in

I feel for every step I take towards lesser weight, better health, I get pushed backwards 10 steps. This time it's vertigo. Didn't know this illness could be so crippling and anxiety inducing. Though my best buddy says think of the whole process as exploring your limits and move forward from there, it's been tough to do that because all I can see are the many ways this whole thing can bring my life to a halt. I love to drive and I've been advised not to for a small period at the moment. I just started t work out and that's another no go. No bending and lifting weights. And always stay hydrated. I don't know the cause but I definitely know I don't like the effects. Trying not to build mountains.

Why wait till a new year to begin focussing on health! Since I wasn't going to wait, gym membership it is. Of the 3 weeks, attended only 5 days. And where the focus is health and fitness, so far I've succeeded in catching a cold, suffering through a fever, was close to losing my voice,  fatigue is a constant companion and vertigo just made it presence felt. Oh! I crossed over into cholesterol land. Got to see what else I have coming up my way to stay healthy in body, soul and mind. The heart is on vacation 😁.

Woke up thinking I had my reading glasses on. Actually checked when I opened my eyes. 😂

I wonder what triggers me to dream. I missed my bag on the bus. And by the time I got it back it didnt have everything that was supposed to be in it. - Dream this morning

Ever noticed the sensations felt while drinking water which is a little above chilled temperature? I always want to drink more cold water just to feel the cold inside till it hits my stomach.

Didn't know a stressful Monday could inspire work related dreams. This one has me in a team meeting and my boss ok with me putting in extra hours to work on a task. I don't recollect what the task was. On the reality front, is inability to handle emotions a sign of menopause commencing? I don't see why I should be seated in an emotional rollercoaster. I don't like the ride at all. I still want a dog.  

She will try, approach, reason out, rethink, overthink and a lot more. Most probably go through a lot of pulls and pushes. But when she walks away, it's because she is done. No looking back.

There are days when I want to talk to everyone. There are days I dont want to talk to anyone and hide and hope people dont remember i exist. There are days I feel invisible even when I have a mega good vibe on. There are days I feel lower than dirt. There are days I feel calm collected. I wish I could just flow and be at peace, kinda likr one with the universe.

This one had a policeman alert me that someone was claiming my property was his. Go to check on it with Dad's help and find out VKN is behind it. Try recollecting if i have signed any documents (written in Malayalam or some other language) to give away what's mine. Initially thought that it was not possible that VKN could be behind this. Later get to know it is possible and probably true after interacting with him. I know I thought of hubby and the kids. Woke up with a 'No it doesn't belong to you' thought resonating through my head.

Something must be really wrong with me if my mood gets affected so badly by my kids arguing in the morning. Their squabble wasn't their usual loud annpying one but heck! I was all set for physical abuse. Need to calm down enough to work through this awful mind and soul hurting moment.

1 related to rapes and murders.  The other related to a US family trip in November and the confusion over what to pack. Sigh!

Woke up knowing that I have to take my kids to school. Forgot that I have to reach office too. 🤷‍♀️

In reality, I never had a problem when the plaster had to be ripped off. Only when it came to tooth removals I'd get freaked out. When it comes to relationships, the blessed taking out of the plaster or tooth or whatever you want to call it, is something I have experienced very less. The process is quick, short, nerve wracking and hell on the psych. What follows is a major "moment of truth" kind of situation. And this moment could last for a few seconds to I don't know how long. Thankful to have best friends arounds during these times. It's still an 'ouchy' if I let myself think of it. Right now, I'm glad that I can look at it and move on.

Once again, I removed a person from my contact list. Waiting for time to do its thing. Till then, trying not to resist the flow of emotions and feelings. Remembering Po from Kung Fu Panda.

Thoughts swirling Second guessing Tempted to return Not for the burn

A space to be. A place to recover, shut out all the noise, just breathe. Does it exist?

Who, what or where are we headed towards? Moksha? Is it possible?

Withdrawals are never easy. Especially from something that felt or tasted so good, that you could enjoy it till your last breath.

Next life, I want to be a dog or a cat. Scratch that. I'd rather be an animal that is not dependent on human beings for mercy, protection, food or love. Perhaps one with a pretty short but fulfilling life. Not a flower, reptile nor an insect please. Well, maybe a bumblebee just for those stripes.

We crossed paths online. Over time, we exchanged bits and pieces of ourselves - glimpses of our life, our hearts and a bit of our souls. I looked forward to those times. Through a good day or a really chaotic one, it was your simplicty that was attractive. In a short span, we explored another area of thoughts. We met and those thoughts were given a life of their own. You said I am more than a friend, less than a lover to you. I still don't know what you are to me. I hadn't thought about it. But you have me puzzled for a while now. What I do know now is that you mean a lot to me. So much that I have to step away from you, from us. It is not meant to be.