The world I live in

Had a series of bad dreams last night that continued till this morning. Friends parting ways, death approaching, fears  suffocating. Why do we have these dreams to rattle us up? Happy Monday to you! 

When you realise you are in an 'Oh shit' situation, your biases, values, options are so much more clear. You also are clear about your support ecosystem. 

Here I was thinking I suck at handling multiple roles thrust on me. I shouldn't 'crib'. That it was 'going to be ok' and everything would 'be better'. The kind of (non) support from KA made me believe that I'm never going to get it right. But when the same is thrust on that person, the reactions are almost the same as mine, only they are voiced out, loudly. And it's hardly 3 months into handling a few things solo. There are various ways I could help. I choose not to.   I was flawed anyway.

The struggle is real. Even if the feelings arise from made up situations or overthinking. If they could be stopped with a snap of fingers, wouldn't that be something!

Forget 3 AM friends, even 11 PM friends are hard to find

That it wouldn't work out between you and me is clear now. It was a lovely interlude though. And I'm grateful for it.

Her father wasn't around for most of her life. And now when she's faced with the reality of having him around all the time, she's not too keen. Her small world doesn't have much room for him. 

Sometimes the head starts working waaay after the heart does. Bummer!

The kind of friends you can call up at 3 AM and they'd answer and listen with no judgement, or pull you out of the funk that you can't shake off, or give you that whack so that you see straight and so much more... Do you have one? I don't!

Days and nights when I don't dream are good days. Today wasn't a good one. Had a dream that ruined my sleep and left with a residue of annoyance and leading me towards despair. The dream had teenage J behaving like bratty kid. He had to open the back to door to enter the car but instead jumps into the backseat through the window. In the process his feet hit a man in white with a red and white checkered head scarf.  The man asks J to apologise. The brat diesn't. So he takes J's shoes and cuts through them. I see J scream out as if it affects his mental state and I can't do anything to stop that whole thing from playing out. That's when I woke up.

What the fuck is therapy!

They exist. Sometimes they do what they're supposed to, sometimes they're too far away and sometimes, they suck! The frustration leading to annoyance and anger when it sucks, is what one has to deal with. Like a 'sane, mature' individual. Because anything else affects the other folks who you support.  Shitty deal!