The world I live in

Her father wasn't around for most of her life. And now when she's faced with the reality of having him around all the time, she's not too keen. Her small world doesn't have much room for him. 

Sometimes the head starts working waaay after the heart does. Bummer!

The kind of friends you can call up at 3 AM and they'd answer and listen with no judgement, or pull you out of the funk that you can't shake off, or give you that whack so that you see straight and so much more... Do you have one? I don't!

Days and nights when I don't dream are good days. Today wasn't a good one. Had a dream that ruined my sleep and left with a residue of annoyance and leading me towards despair. The dream had teenage J behaving like bratty kid. He had to open the back to door to enter the car but instead jumps into the backseat through the window. In the process his feet hit a man in white with a red and white checkered head scarf.  The man asks J to apologise. The brat diesn't. So he takes J's shoes and cuts through them. I see J scream out as if it affects his mental state and I can't do anything to stop that whole thing from playing out. That's when I woke up.

What the fuck is therapy!

They exist. Sometimes they do what they're supposed to, sometimes they're too far away and sometimes, they suck! The frustration leading to annoyance and anger when it sucks, is what one has to deal with. Like a 'sane, mature' individual. Because anything else affects the other folks who you support.  Shitty deal!

Leaking humans.. funny isnt it to see some colorless liquid fill the eyes till they cant hold them in anymore. They spill out. Reasons known or unknown.

No one is given an operating manual on parenting. Sure there are books that guide, provide insight, have stories, talk about different styles etc. But nope, no manual.  Bad behaviour from child? Bad parent Child who is difficult to mold or teach? Bad parent Child suicide? Bad parent Child -anything the world judges or sees as not conforming? Bad parent And in a place like India, it's usually bad mom. Because mothers are primary caregivers and nurturers.  So what happened to the other parental role and grandparents and relatives who also influenced the child's behaviour? What happened to the educational institutions that seem more bothered about their upkeep of reputation rather than actual investment in educating children?  What all is just one person or 2 people supposed to do when it comes to their child? They try their best to do right by their offspring. But yeah, bad parent!

6 dogs in the house. How cool is that! A short trip to Hyderabad sprung up recently. It involved visiting relatives who were ill, not due to Covid thankfully.  One of them had given home to 6 stray dogs. And they were lovely creatures to meet. Pluto who loves massages, Michelle with tired kind eyes, Rosie the tough girl and boss mom of Jack who was a regular young pup, Awesome the shy model and Naughty with the constant shocked face. Unsure whether Naughty's state was from his recovery of being hit by a moving vehicle.  For a few moments, it felt good, happy even with these pets. 

Tubelight moment : I'm never going to be someome's first thought..

Feeling restless and suffocated when I look at social networking sites. I've just finished one exercise of 'un-friending' around 40 people on FB.The urge to disconnect from more is so strong that I might just quit the app.  What's the easiest way to take a backup of all the stuff posted on FB and then just say goodbye to it? 

Another dream. This time a wedding or should I say re-wedding to someone not known.  Place has got some ancient practices in rooms for the brude's prep. Bride is me. Unsure what is going on. A simple thing like having a bath is some long complicated procedure. A part of family , dad, Deep, Kev and Nav present. Omlette has an appearance towards the end and he's on his cell asking for another chance. I think he was talking to mom and she was telling him it was too late.

It's suffocating. It's panic inducing. It's downright scary.  Wjy? I don't know. Even in a dream it was. The dream had me stuck in  showerstall. And no way to get out. No one helping me get out.  Green and yellow tiles. Shower water too hardly coming through.  The showers were after a ssim in a pool just to wash off chemicals and sand(?). Joe from office too was there in it. He was in the next stall and he didnt hear me or if he did, he didnt respond.  Waking up with one's heart pounding and almost screaming.. i hate scary dreams.

Odd one this early morning Dreamed that I found a few of my belongings scattered on the sand. They weren't in the place I usually keep them. It hurt to see that. Woke up with the feeling.

The feeling of being rejected is never a pleasant one. The perception that leads to it is a dangerous thing.

Do you feel all the time? Or keep all those feelings bottled up to be visited at a later time?

If you have a snoring prob, fix it before you get into a relationship. If you develop one later, fix it before you get murdered in your sleep.

Was in a space where houses seemed packed together, barely any gaps between them. But surprisingly when walking through the streets there seemed a lot of gap between them. They looked small. One house in particular looked pretty spacious eith limited furniture, a family living in it where a little boy was trying to play with his football indoors. Another I remember seemed luxurious, like a prestigious hotel or palace. 

From the time I was a kid till a few months ago, I used to gobble up the veggies and cereals in my plate to savour the meat or fish.  Now? I dont want cereal. I rush through the chicken and meat and eat all the vegetables at the end, especially if there are green peas and broccoli. Cheers to a healthier, safer, wonderful new year. 

To get behind that wheel, and zoom off Not worrying about speed limits Or anything that could go wrong But just waiting for that crash to happen That one moment when all control is lost And you're hit so bad You're in pain but it's ok It stops those other frigging thoughts It just shuts them up